How to Deal with a Toxic Manager

Working with a toxic manager poisons your life. Self-confidence and motivation are the first victims. Your work turns into constant misery. Here are some strategies for dealing with this situation.

Let me tell you a story about James (not his real name), a lateral hire with a four-month tenure.

James enjoyed his first few months in consulting. But on his second project, he plunged into constant stress and anxiety.

Right off the bat, his new manager started giving him harsh feedback. While he didn't mind the feedback itself, her snarky tone demotivated him.

His confidence was shattered. He started doubting himself. He was afraid to speak up. He spent too much time double-checking everything.

This led to even more mistakes and further criticism.

Her feedback seemed arbitrary and unpredictable. She never highlighted things that he had done well. Everything he did was wrong.

When we first spoke, he was desperate. He asked for my help.

Here are some strategies I shared with James.

1. Show empathy

First, it's helpful to understand why the manager behaves this way.

Most people act toxic due to high stress.

Understanding your manager's challenges and goals can be extremely valuable.

Then, you can position yourself as someone who helps your manager achieve their goals.

Often, it's not hard to figure out. Pay attention to how your manager interacts with other colleagues. Or try asking your manager or more experienced colleagues.

In James' situation, the manager was in her promotion window, and it was not going smoothly. Hence, there was a huge amount of stress, some of which she projected on James as she was responsible for his work.

If you can't help directly, empathize with their struggles. You can tactfully acknowledge their struggles. People want to be seen, understood and appreciated.

This can be a good start for improving your relationship.

2. Get them to help you

There is one neat psychological trick.

If you want people to like you, make them help you.

It may seem counterintuitive, but people become invested in the people they help. They see their successes as their own.

James could have acknowledged and appreciated her support.

It's not a lie. He was just too preoccupied to recognize positive things.

It works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. After some time, managers start behaving as true mentors.

Generally, people think of themselves as great leaders. Even poor ones do.

You can become the person who sees that in them.

It's a bit of dark magic. But consultants can use every bit of help in these tough situations.

But be genuine, seek feedback, improve, and thank your leaders.

3. Use a nuclear option

Sometimes, nothing works.

The manager is just insufferable and abusive.

At this point, you need to make a decision.

Do you believe you still can build a 'loving' relationship, or are you ready to settle for a respectful one?

If the answer is the latter, you must confront them when they cross the line.

Then, you say: “Why do you talk to me like this? It's not professional. Please stop.”

If you say that calmly, it will snap the manager out of this abusive behavior. The next time, they will think twice before saying something inappropriate.

Abusers escalate when unchallenged but often stop when confronted.

Be cautious, as some senior leaders may react poorly and even fire you.

I know a few characters who would not take it well. So, using it on a manager or a principal may be a good idea, but not on a partner or a senior partner.

Change of perspective

While trying to find a solution, you will change your own perspective.

You will remove negativity and defensiveness from the equation.

For example, during our call, James received an email from his manager with feedback on his work. James became visibly upset. He felt treated unfairly.

As an impartial observer, I found the feedback sharp and appropriate.

I asked James what would have happened if he had thanked her instead of reacting defensively.

That changed his perspective, and he agreed to do it.

After he thanked her, their relationship started improving. Most likely, she felt appreciated and started seeing James in a better light.

James is a member of the Hero Journey, the coaching program for MBB consultants.

James improved his productivity and confidence after a few weeks in the program. He started speaking up in leadership meetings, becoming more proactive and visible.

In the recent feedback session, James’s manager mentioned that he had made a sharp turnaround, and she is very optimistic about his future in the firm.

You can imagine how happy James was. That's just the start of his transformation.

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P.S.

I feel your pain.

As a consultant, I struggled to perform, facing extremely high expectations and minimal support.

My life turned into relentless stress, pain, and anxiety.

But I always suspected that there should be a better way.

Nine years later, I designed the coaching program I desperately needed back then.

Its sole focus is helping MBB consultants achieve high performance. Only then can you build strong sponsorships, find great projects, and become confident.

If you are an MBB consultant and want to achieve high performance, please
Book a 1-1 Discovery Session.

Learn more about the Hero Journey coaching program.

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