How to deal with a toxic manager
Working with a toxic manager poisons your life. Your work turns into constant misery. Your confidence gets completely shattered. Learn some strategies for dealing with this situation.
Let me tell you a story about James (not his real name), a lateral hire with a four-month tenure.
Initially, James enjoyed his first few months in consulting. But on his second project, he plunged into constant stress and anxiety.
Right off the bat, his new manager started giving him harsh feedback. While he didn't mind the feedback itself, her snarky tone demotivated him.
His confidence was shattered. He started doubting himself. He was afraid to speak up. He wasted too much time double-checking everything. This led to even more mistakes and further criticism.
Her feedback seemed arbitrary and unpredictable. She never highlighted things that he had done well. Everything he did was wrong.
When we first spoke, he was desperate. He asked for my help.
Here are some strategies I shared with James.
1. Show empathy
First, it's helpful to understand why the manager behaves this way.
Most people act toxic due to the high stress they experience.
Understanding your manager's challenges and goals can be extremely valuable.
Then, you can position yourself as someone who helps your manager achieve their goals.
Often, it's not hard to figure out. Pay attention to how your manager interacts with partners or other colleagues. Or try asking your manager directly or other more experienced colleagues.
In James' situation, the manager was in her promotion window, and it was not going smoothly. Hence, there was a huge amount of stress, some of which she projected on James as she was responsible for his work.
If you can't help directly, acknowledge and empathize with their struggles. Do it tactfully. Generally, people want to be seen, understood, and appreciated.
This can be a good start for improving your relationship.
2. Get them to help you
There is one neat psychological trick you can use.
If you want people to like you, make them help you.
It may seem counterintuitive, but people become more invested in the people they help. They see their successes as their own.
In our situation, James could have acknowledged and appreciated her support.
It's not a lie. He was just too preoccupied to recognize positive things.
Basically, it works as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you start acknowledging your managers’ help, after some time, they start behaving as true mentors.
Generally, people like to think of themselves as great leaders. Even poor ones do.
Then, you can become the person who sees that in them.
It's a bit of dark magic. But consultants can use every bit of help in these tough situations.
But be genuine, seek feedback, improve, and thank your leaders.
3. Use a nuclear option
Sometimes, nothing you do will work.
Your managers are just insufferable and abusive.
At this point, you need to make a decision.
Do you believe you still can build a 'loving' relationship, or are you ready to settle for a respectful one?
If the answer is the latter, you can confront them when they cross the line.
Here’s the thing. Abusers can’t help but escalate when unchallenged. But often, they stop when confronted.
Choose the moment when they behave clearly out of line, for example, they snap at you or use inappropriate words.
Then, you can say: “Why do you talk to me like this? It's not professional. I don’t appreciate this. Please stop.”
If you say that calmly, it will snap the manager out of this abusive behavior. The next time, they will think twice before saying something inappropriate.
But be cautious, as some senior leaders may react poorly and even fire you.
I know a few characters who would not take it well. So, using it on a manager or a principal may be a good idea, but not on a partner or a senior partner.
Pick your battles.
Change of perspective
Here’s one interesting trick.
If you try to find a constructive solution to your difficult situation, you will change your own perspective.
You remove negativity and defensiveness from the equation.
This way, you remove animosity that fuels the toxicity in your relationship. This could be the first step to resolving the conflict.
For example, during our call, James received an email from his manager with feedback on his work. James became visibly upset. He felt treated unfairly.
As an impartial observer, I found the feedback sharp and appropriate.
I asked James what would have happened if he had thanked her instead of reacting defensively.
That changed his perspective, and he agreed to do it.
After he thanked her, their relationship started improving. Most likely, she felt appreciated and started seeing James in a better light.
James is a member of the Hero Journey, the coaching program for MBB consultants.
He improved his productivity and confidence after a few weeks in the program. He started speaking up in leadership meetings, becoming more proactive and visible.
In the recent feedback session, James’s manager mentioned that he had made a sharp turnaround, and she is very optimistic about his future in the firm.
You can imagine how happy James was. That's just the start of his transformation.
The consulting journey is complex and treacherous.
Walking it alone is extremely difficult. It’s helpful to have the support of someone experienced who has gone through this journey and helped many others.
That is why I developed a coaching program for MBB consultants to help them achieve high performance and become successful.
If you are an MBB consultant and sick of struggling with performance and development, I would like to speak with you.
Book a Free 1-1 Consultation to discuss whether I can help you through my coaching program. There is no commitment, and you can ask any burning questions in a risk-free environment.
Learn more about the Hero Journey coaching program.